THOUGHTS OFA CHAOTIC FOOD ADDICT

I THINK IM ADDICTED TO SELF-DESTRUCTION AND PAIN......I DON'T THINK IM CONSCIOUS OF HOW I RUIN MYSELF WITH ALL THE FOOD I GORGE ON.

I NEED A NEW ADDICTION

I FEEL SO LOST

I FEEL SO HOPELESS

I FEEL SO OUT OF CONTROL

IM SO ASHAMED

NONE OF MY CLOTHES FIT

FOOD HAS BECOME MY SOLACE AND MY NIGHTMARE


I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND ALL I SEE IS A BLOATED TORTURED FACE

I DON'T RECOGNIZE MY OWN BODY

I FINALLY WENT TO THE GYM AND ATTEMPTED TO CRAW BACK ON THE WAGON


I AM NOW 265.8

WHICH SIGNIFIED A 35 LB WEIGHT GAIN SINCE I MOVED TO BOSTON (235-265)


I AM READY TO BE DONE....I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY


AND IN ALL OF THIS DESPAIR A SMALL VOICE TELLS ME THAT I AM THE SOURCE OF MY OWN TORMENT AND WILL BE THE SOURCE OF MY OWN SALVATION

SO IM STARTING THE TORTUOUS PATH TO SALVATION AGAIN....REGAINING CONTROL....FEELING BEAUTIFUL...FEELING HEALTHY...FEELING HAPPY....

TODAY I AM 261.6...NEXT WEEK I HOPE TO BE 263...

LIMITATIONS

ABS ABS AND MORE ABS!

WEIGH IN STATS

Last Week's Monday Weight: 253.8
Today's Monday Weight-250.8

TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS=3.0 LBS

Next Mondays GOAL: 248.0 lbs For A TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS OF 2 LBS.

1301 CALORIES BURNED..6 MILES JOG/WALK...1 HR 30 MIN

I went for a run today, trying to savor the last few weeks of running in Boston that I can tolerate before it becomes unbearably cold for me to run outside!

I burned 1301 calories per my hrm monitor

It took me 1 hr 30 min

and I went for approximately 6 miles

I am tried, my feet feel like they are about to drop off...but I FEEL GOOOD!!!

PROTEIN PACKED BREAKFAST-TUNA, VEGETABLE, SCRAMBLED EGGS

Ingredients:
1/2 tomato
1/4 cup sliced mushrooms
2 tsp hot red pepper
1/4 cup chopped medley of green, red, and yellow peppers
1 can albacore white tuna
1/2 cup "Better than Eggs" Egg substitute
Pam Olive Oil Spray
I cube maggi (or equivalent of black pepper, light salt, spices)

Directions:
1. Spray Skillet with Palm Olive oil Spray over medium Heat
2. Add the chopped tomatoes, mushrooms,  green peppers to the skillet
3. Crush the cubed maggi spice (or your equivalent of spices) over the vegetables and mix
4. Let the vegetables sautee untill they
look well "sauteed"














5. Add the canned tuna on top, and then add the red pepper on top of the tuna, mix well (and add olive oil spray as needed)

6. After about 3 minutes, add the 1/2 cup egg substitute

7. Scramble together until well done...ENJOY!!!


Nutrition Facts: Calories:  220 calories, Carbohydrates: 9 grams, Protein: 37 grams Protein,

I enjoyed it with a serving of my detox fruit and veggie smoothie...IT WAS VERY FILLING FOR BREAKFAST AND I SINCERELY HOPE IT WILL AIDE IN MY WEEKEND RUN TODAY!

TODAY IS A BRAND NEW DAY

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

GRADUATE SCHOOL HAS BEEN THE BANE OF MY WEIGHT LOSS GOALS!

Hello and Happy Saturday.

I've been incognito for a while...so lets just jump right into it!

Highest Weight in the Past Month-253.8

Current Weight-252.2

Weight Gain since I moved to Boston-about 15 lb

Highest Weight in My life-330 lbs

Lowest Weight (April 2012)-219 lbs

Ultimate Goal Weight-155-165lbs

Goal Weight for End of November-240 lbs

WHY I HAVE BEEN GAINING WEIGHT

1. I've gotten too comfortable

2. I've made new friends and we go out to eat 2x or more a week 

3. I've been drinking lots of beer on the weekends

4. I go to graduate school full time and work 20 hours a week ( wake up at 8am don't get home till 9 pm M-thursday).

5. Boston University's Gym is Located on the other campus and it takes about 20 minutes to get there, most nights i'm too exhausted after classes to want to work out.

6. I spend so much time studying that while studying I"m subconsciously stuffing my face with food

HOW I CAN SOLVE THE PROBLEM

1. The scale will be my best friend and my enemy

2. I will track everything that goes into my mouth

3. I will only eat salads or healthy meals at restuarant and I will cut down going out with friends. Also I will eat before I go out and sip on water at the restaurant.

4. NO MORE BEER...vodka and shots will suffice

5. I will join a boxing gym in my neighborhood that opens early so I don't have to worry about going to the gym

6. I will be mindful of what I eat, when I eat, how I ate and why i'm eating

7. I WILL NOT GIVE UP.

I AM TIRED OF STARTING OVER....I WANT TO KEEP GOING...CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!

REASONS TO STAY THE PATH!

"The White Hare and The Faun"

Lower Ab Attack

BEAUTY IN THRIVING

TODAYS WEIGHT UPDATE

On Monday October 1st I weighed : 248.8lbs
Today, Thursday October 4th I weigh: 243.2 lbs

WILL YOU?

Words to live by!

OCTOBER'S WEIGHT/FITNESS GOALS

1. LOSE 10 LBS (GO FROM 245-235) BY NOVEMBER 1ST
2. NO FAST FOOD!!!! 
3. EXERCISE AT LEAST 3X OUT OF THE WEEK
4. STAY POSITIVE
5. FIGHT THE URGES TO BINGE!!!!!!

WHY IVE BEEN INCOGNITO FOR ALMOST 3 WEEKS

Hello Hello Hello!!!!

I apologize for absence but I plan to explain why in the following passages. The two main reasons for my absence has been:

1. SHAME AT HOW MUCH WEIGHT I GAINED
2. NO TIME (STRUGGLING TO BALANCE EPIDEMIOLOGY, BIOSTATISTICS, FULL TIME GRADUATE COURSE LOAD, WORK AND WORKING OUT).

My birthday was last thursday and in that time I ate my life away and gained more weight. I now weigh in at a whopping 245.8lbs...I'M ASHAMED...

I'M BEATEN, BUT IM NOT DEFEATED.

WEIGHT LOSS IS NOT AN EASY FEAT...IT IS DIFFICULT INDEED

BUT I AM STRONG AND I AM DETERMINED.

IVE DECIDED TO TRY TO PUBLISH MY STATS STARTING TOMORROW (HONESTLY)

IF TIME PERMITS..EVERY DAILY BLOG POST I'LL PUT MY WEIGHT FOR THE DAY....WHAT EXERCISE (IF ANY) I DID THE NIGHT BEFORE AND WHAT MY APPROXIMATE CALORIE INTAKE WAS....AT THE END OF THE WEEK ILL CALCULATE MY TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS..

DON'T GIVE UP ON ME GUYS...IM BROKEN BUT NOT DEFEATED :)

NEED THIS BECAUSE ITS BEEN A TOUGH 2 WEEKS FOR WEIGHT LOSS

"Allegory of Sculpture" 1889, Gustav Klimt

Thursday AM- MY BODY IS REBELLING

So I don't know If my creeping weight loss is a result of my body just giving up on me, or me not tracking my caloric intake well enough. Time of the month I went back up to 239, Since Monday to Today I'm now 237.8. I'm not used to such slow weight loss and I feel it could be one of two things:

1. Either I'm at a plateau (yikes I hope not)
2. Or I'm not tracking my calories in well enough.

I went running on Tuesday and Wednesday, burning about 1200 both days, and I"m planning on going for a run today.

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO KEEP EATING HEALTHY IN THE EVENING?

I do so well during the day, and then from about 5pm to when I sleep, ITS CHAOS...I start craving junk food and sometimes I feel like I've cancelled out all my good work. 

I AM DETERMINED TO BE UNDER 200 (199) BY JANUARY 1ST...

I THINK IT CAN HAPPEN BUT I'M STARTING TO REALIZE THAT I AM MY BIGGEST ENEMY AND OBSTACLE....

Today I will eat:

VEGGIE-FRUIT QUASI DETOX SMOOTHIE FOR BREAKFAST

BROWN RICE, SAUTEED SPINACH AND PINEAPPLES FOR LUNCH

VEGGIE-FRUIT SMOOTHIE FOR DINNER  

ALMONDS FOR A SNACK
TOTAL OF ABOUT 1400 CALORIES

I WILL FORCE MYSELF TO STICK TO THAT BECAUSE I WANT TO SEE IF THE SCALE MOVES ANY AFTER THAT.

HAPPY THURSDAY!

The Beautiful Chaos that is her hair....It bows to no one

PINEAPPLE-TILAPIA SPINACH SALAD W/ BOILED PLANTAINS

For Lunch I was in a rush to a 2pm class today so I needed to make sure I was eating something filling, healthy and fast to prepare. So I threw some spinach on a plate, sauteed a serving of tilapia with almost 1c diced pineapple in 1 tbsp Mike Lawry's Hawaiin Marinade, and boiled a ripe plantain. Took about 20 minutes to make (boiling the plantains took a bit), and was very very delicious

Pineapple-Tilapia Spinach Salad with boiled Plantains

Ingredients

1 medium ripe plantain (can be bought at almost any store)

4 cups dole spinach

4 oz frozen tilapia

1 cup dice fresh pineapples 

1tbsp Mike Lawry's Hawaiian Marinade

Pam Olive Oil Spray

Directions

1. Peel the Plantains, cut into 4 large pieces (as show in the picture), put in a small pot filled with water(water should graze the top of the plantains) and add about 1 tsp of salt, and let boil for about 15 minutes on medium heat. (Plantains are fully cooked when they are soft all the way to the core).

2. Spray a heated skillet with pam olive oil spray, place tilapia in skillet with the dice pineapple and Marinade, Mix together and be sure to flip the tilapia on the other side after about 3 minutes.

3. Put 2 cups of spinach on a plate, put  tilapia and pineapples on spinach, and enjoy with the plantains. 

4. For this I added 1tsp of Kraft sun-dried tomato dressing, but it can be eating without the dressing as there is enough flavoring in the pineapple and tilapia to act as a dressing. 

Calories: approximately 420 calories

ONE OF MY FAVORITES ICONS FOR STYLE

I am obsessed with Solange Knowles because everything she does is just so beautiful. She embraces her natural beautiful, dressing to look classy and not trashy, and there is an paradoxically delicious antiquated/modern glamour about her. I also love the fact that as a black woman, she embraces natural hair styles and embraces Afrocentrism. 

LIFE IS LIKE A BICYCLE

HOW I RAN TODAY

This week has been HECTIC ALREADY...I'm struggling to balance a graduate science workload, eating healthy, and working. I haven't found the time (or made the time rather) to exercise and its been affecting my RESULTS.

Today I woke up and decided to go for a run and I decided to start pacing myself by time..(was much more effective, I burned more calories and shave about 10 minutes off my total running time) Here's What I did:

Ran 10 min
Walked 3 min
Ran 14 min
Walked 3 min
Ran 10 min 
Walked 3 min
Ran 8 min
Walked 3 min
Ran 16 min
Walked 3 min
Ran 10 min
walked 3 min

TOTAL WORKOUT TIME: 1 HR 20 MIN
TOTAL MILEAGE..ABOUT 6 MILES ( NEED TO REALLY COUNT)

As I get better I will try to run longer and walk less!

FASHION IN PROGRESS

I went out with some friends in Boston last Saturday and I decided to go for a more diverse look, with a playful and colorful turban, and playful and vibrant eye color.

Headwraps/Turbans can add to the overall look of any piece and can brighten up the face. I also colored my face with some earring, a nice necklace and a brilliant smile! :)

Happy Monday!

Good Morning Yoga

BAKED APPLE CHIPS

SEPTEMBER WORK OUT SCHEDULE

I've decided to start a new work out schedule to keep myself ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE MONTH OF SEPTEMBER ( GOOD TO SET LITTLE GOALS). 

THIS MONTH WILL MOSTLY FOCUS ON CARDIO EXERCISES AT I'M NOT YET IN THE TONING PHASE OF MY WEIGHT LOSS REGIMEN YET.

SUNDAY-CARDIO
MONDAY-CARDIO
TUESDAY-CARDIO
WEDNESDAY-REST
THURSDAY-CARDIO
FRIDAY-CARDIO
SATURDAY-REST

REPEAT AGAIN.

THE GOAL IS AT MINIMUM TO DO AT LEAST 3 WORKOUTS IN A WEEK AND THE MAXIMUM TO DO NO MORE THAN 6 (SO TO HAVE AT LEAST ONE REST DAY IN A WEEK).

ONE THE DAYS I DON'T WORK OUT I'LL ADJUST MY CALORIES ACCORDINGLY( SO NO MORE THAN 1300 CALORIES)

AND HEAVY WORK OUT DAYS WILL BE NO MORE THAN 1700 CALORIES

I'LL KEEP YOU ALL UPDATED ON HOW I DO AND HOW IT AFFECTS MY WEIGHT LOSS!!!

I'M STILL ALIVE!!!

Hello and Happy Sunday!

I know I haven't updated my blog in a while but I assure you I'm still alive. This past week has been excruciatingly busy for me with orientation for my graduate program, meeting new people, and getting settled in at Boston. Nevertheless, I've worked out 3 times in the past week, and I've managed not to lose/gain despite some pretty heavy eating. 

I've FOUND A NEW WONDERFUL AND INTENSE RUNNING PATH UP DORCHESTER STREET IN BOSTON...FILLED WITH LOTS OF HILLS. Today marks my second day taking the path and I'm exhausted. I burned about 1300 calories today (per my hrm) in about 1 hour and half and I think the total path is about 7 miles. 

Everyday is a struggle for me but I am happy to be in a new environment, meeting great people and achieving my goals both from an academic and fitness and health perspective.

I will continue to keep this blog updated and I hope that by January 2013 I'm UNDER 200 lbs (I'm about 233-234 right now)!!!

HELLO BOSTON!!!!!

Good Morning and Happy Sunday.

I am officially settled into my new place in Boston, and I am excited!!!! The last day has been a bit hectic with moving (flying from Texas to Boston), and then moving in ALL BY MYSELF to my new place. I haven't had anytime to work out during the past 2 days and I've been too busy to eat a normal meal.

I LOVE BOSTON THUS FAR. The city seems to be a VERY health conscious city...strange enough since I've been here...I've only seen 1 fast food place (McDonald's), and it was FAR...that's something new, usually every city I've been in is plastered and infected with fast food chains (Burger King, chik-fil-a, McDonalds, Rally's, KFC, etc).  I think thats a VERY good thing for me.

Yesterday after moving in I immediately went shopping for room accessories as well as for food. I KEPT IT healthy, buying fruits and vegetables (for my detox smoothie), almonds, chicken breasts, almond milk, egg substitute, and treated my self to mini cookies mix (3 cookies=150 calories) to curb my sweet tooth.  I am determined to TRY  to ACTIVELY EAT HEALTHY, and to eat UNHEALTHILY scarcely and in moderation. Last Night I went and celebrated a friends birthday with him, and it was my official night on the town in Boston. It included LOTS of debauchery, and I TASTED MY FIRST EAST COAST LARGE PIZZA...IT WAS DELICIOUS.

This morning I woke up and weighed in at 233.6, with a total lose of but 8lbs since Monday (I was 241). I was extremely surprised that I had still managed to lose weight since I hadn't worked out, and I hadn't been eaten regularly..but WHO I AM TO TEMPT THE FATES haha. This morning I got myself back in order with a detox smoothie consisting of unsweetened almond milk, grapes, spinach, carrots, a banana, pineapples and strawberries. (1 serving-about 175 calories). And I am determined to pave a new running path.

Since it's my first 2 days in Boston, I don't know how to get anywhere yet, nor do I know how to get to the park for a run, but I am going to try to find a running path either tonight or tomorrow.

I am enjoying myself in Boston, but I am glad that I am still cognizant of my fitness goals and able to make sure I am still keeping on track. I hope and think that Boston will be good for me!

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

OH JILLIAN!

THURSDAY NIGHT CHECK IN

GOOD EVENING!
Its Thursday night and I just got back from a 6 mile run and burnt 1251 calories (per my hrm). I always add the "per my hrm" disclaimer because it is not 100 percent accurate, therefore I never eat more because I burn more; I always TRY to stick to my caloric goal intake or eat no more than 200-300 more of my goal if I'm REALLY hungry on those heavy work out days. Today I woke up 2 lbs lighter, now weighing in at 235.4 (I was 241.4 on Monday), so I've lost 6lbs of those sodium infused pounds from a month and a half ago.

Today was an excellent day, I ate about 1400 calories and chugged about 12 glasses of water (Thirsty much?). My vacation in Texas has been wonderful, and I am so glad that I stuck to my goal of exercising.
I have now exercised 4 days out of the 6 days I've been here, and I've burnt 4,733 calories from exercise this week, surpassing my weekly goal of 3880 calories burnt.

I am pushing strong and taking it 5lbs at a time in the hopes that this time I stick with it and have fewer and less major setbacks. (An 18lb gain in a month and a half is UNACCEPTABLE). 

I hope everybody is having a great night and is looking forward to the weekend!

ciao

SIMPSON HUMOR-LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

FOR WHEN YOU CAN'T FIND A GYM

WEDNESDAY NIGHT CHECK IN!

TODAY WAS A SUCCESS
JUST GOT BACK FROM A 6 MILE WOG (JOGGING AND WALKING), and per my hrm I burned about 1122 calories. 

Today I ate about 1309 calories and this is what my food diary looked like:

Breakfast
6 oz tilapia-192 calories 40g protein
1.5 piece of Homemade skilled cornbread-173 calories
Totals for Breakfast: 365 calories, 28g Carbs, 8g fat, 40g Protein
Lunch
Spinach and veggie smoothie-158 calories
Chicken, Spinach, strawberry and tomato salad-231 calories
Totals: 389 calories, 44g Carbs, 3g Fat, 52 g Protein

Pre-workout Snack
Boost Protein Shake- 240 calories, 15 g protein, 33g carbs, 6g fat

Dinner
Detox Smoothie(all fruits and veggies)-315 calories, 72g Carbs, 
3 gfat, 6g protein

Total: approx: 1309 calories, 177g Carbs, 20g fat, 117g protein, 25g Fiber.

I just had a 12 oz serving of a detox smoothie consisting of spinach ,carrots ,pineapple,mango, banana, and grapes, with 5 cups of water for dinner. I feel content and pleasant and I feel "healthy"

So far while on vacation visiting my mom I have worked out 3 times, I plan to try to get in one more day before I leave Friday night. Today I weighed in at 237.4..by Friday I'd like to weigh in at about 235 or under...since I'm already so far behind on my goal weight do to that massive month long binge (going out, restaurants, drinking...story of my life).

Hope everybody's day was successful!

Good Night. 

AVERAGE DINNER PLATE SIZES

"What the Water Gave Me" Frida Kahlo

"Under Syrian Skies" -Suhair Sibai

"ITS ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN"

When I first started this blog I promised that I would be raw and honest with my struggle with weight loss.
This is not a blog where i sugar coat anything. This is a blog of honesty, triumphs, defeats, failures, successes, self-loathing, self-love, despair and ecstasy. And because I try to be a woman of my word I won't falter now, even in the face of my shame and despair.

The past month has been a month and a half of debauchery, binging, drinking, excess and gluttony. I have gained 18lbs in that month and once again I have nobody to blame but MYSELF. I am still fighting with food and self-control, I am still fighting with discipline and staying on track. But I am fighting to get back on track and have lost 4lbs of the gained weight. I weighed myself this morning at 237.4. On Monday I was 241. I am upset with myself, I don't want to look at myself in the mirror, I want to throw my scale out the window. I want to break my jaw and wire it shut.  I loathe my weakness and I hate that I am a slave to my own excess.
I thought about how close I was to being under 200 and how I let it all go to waste for minutes of binging.

As I was going through this dark mental period, I started listening to "Shake it Out" by Florence + The Machine where she talks about seeing the light, and how its harder to dance with the devil on your back so shake it out. She says its ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN.
I have been a fool and I've been blind, I can never leave the past behind, but now I feel like I am getting clearer to seeing the way.

I decided that my negative thoughts would only lead me to more binging and lethargy. I realize that I am beautiful because I accept my imperfections, my demons and instead of repressing them I am fighting to understand them, know them, accept them and in doing so conquer them. I have still lost 100 lbs and that HAS TO COUNT FOR SOMETHING.

Everyday I WILL STRUGGLE, I am ready to accept that. Things will get easier and my struggles will have less drag to them, but I will struggle with food and exercise and self-control, and I ACCEPT THAT CHALLENGE.

I am human but I am strengthened by my imperfections. I am strengthened by the need to carve myself into the strong force that I know I am.

In an episode of despair and defeat, it is often so easy to forget about how far one has come and wallow in the wretched stench of failure. I HAVE NOT FAILED, because I have gotten up each time I have fallen. And if I fall 3 months from now, I will rise again with a bigger passion.

My weight loss battle is my Goliath, It is a giant, but I will be David, and I will slay this giant simply with the conviction that I CAN.

For anybody facing tribulations or obstacles in your life (be them weight related or not), face your demons, stay the path, fight...even when you fall, raise yourself up again and fight...little battles are lost, but a good general never festers away in a small defeat, instead them shake  themselves out and use the knowledge garnered from their mistakes to arm themselves with the ammunition needed to win the war!

HAPPY WEDNESDAY!

SWEAT!!!!- TUESDAY CHECK IN

Good Morning and Happy Tuesday!!!
       

The Pictures above are of me in the gym in my mother's house in Texas Today. It was raining in Dallas so instead of going out for a run, I went to the gym in her neighborhood. I did 45 minutes on the treadmill, 15 minutes on the bicycle and 30 min on the elliptical. It was A WONDERFUL workout. Although I don't run on the treadmill a lot, I enjoy running on there when I can because it forces me to run without stopping much longer. Today I ran 2 miles at 5.2 and 3.0 incline without stopping before switching to a 9.0 incline oscillating between 3.3-3.8.

Yesterday I also went for a run, it was outside and Texas and it was REFRESHING!!! I really enjoyed running in new scenery and enjoying the Texas Breeze. Since yesterday I've already lost 3lbs (Thank goodness I'm back on Schedule :). 

I am so proud of my self for completing my mini goal of working out at lease 2x in Texas. I am going to try to run one more time and then go from there. 

My biggest challenge still continues to be EATING!!. This is the first time I'm out of my comfort zone that I'm actually keeping on track. 

I had a quasi-detox smoothie for breakfast this morning (about 30 oz)

Lunch will be: Spinach and Chicken Salad and a sweet potato

Dinner will be a quasi-detox smoothie

Snacks are almonds and a Boost protein shake

I hope I stick it through today!!

Hope Everyone is having a lovely and Productive Day!!!