MOTIVATION/DISCIPLINE

What motivates an individual to cease and decease a deleterious behavior? 

Lately the journey to a better me has been blockaded by obstacles that seem to be increasingly getting the better of me. I have found myself insistently asking myself what motivates me?

My journey to weight loss recently has been a perpetual cycle of periods where for 2 weeks I exercise consistently, lose 10 lbs and then 4 weeks where I cave into the beast inside of me that overcomes my brain and pushes me into bouts of binging  until I can no longer stomach myself. For the past seven years of my life I have lived with a demon that cannot be exorcised. This demon feeds on my lethargy and is driven by my weakness. I set goals for myself and every time my inner demons fragments my goals and I'm left to deal with its mocking laughter ringing in my ears.

I don't know if I will every find a cure for my affliction. But I thought I'd start  with asking myself what truly motivates me. I know that when I was 330 lbs and suffering from debilitating type 2 diabetes, what motivated me was my desperation to survive. 105 lbs later, I no longer have diabetes and I fear that I no longer have a force that will motivate me to lose these last 60 lbs. I've asked myself this question for months now. For a while I thought I was motivated by the need to look thin, to get attention in the bars, and to feel beautiful. But I realized that they were all shallow aesthetic motivations, they may have kept my demons at bay for a while, but like always they could never be enough.

I think I am just now beginning to scratch at the surface of my addiction. The addiction that pushes me into bouts of hedonism in which I binge on large pizzas, eat double whoppers, and large fries. My addiction is fueled by my belief that I am powerless. My belief that my laziness will change tomorrow. My believe that tomorrow will be another day. My addiction is fueled by my lack of discipline, my inability to think in the now. My addiction is fueled by my weakness, my despair, my insecurities, my complacency. My addiction simply is fueled by me.

They say the road to recovery starts with self-realization. So today I realize that I have an addiction. Today I realize that I have an affliction. Today I realize that without a solid motivation and a solid foundation of discipline I will forever be enslaved by my demons. Today I realize that my motivation is my need to be the person that I dream to be. To be the woman that is in control of herself, the woman that is intelligent, inwardly and outwardly beautiful, healthy, kind, and courageous. My true motivation lies in becoming the woman that is ruled by a beautiful discipline. A discipline that transcends diets. It is an all encompassing discipline, a discipline that will diffuse through all areas of my life and leave healing at its train.

TODAY I START A NEW AND FOREIGN RELATIONSHIP WITH DISCIPLINE IN HOPES THAT MY DISCIPLINE WILL BE THE PERPETUAL BATTERY THAT FUELS MY MOTIVATION.